Category Archives: personal essays

bon weekend

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Well hello 2018! My apologies for the silence – December was a doozy of a month for us. I promise this post won’t be a pity party, but in case you missed this: my mother was hospitalized for almost half the month with more than one scary illness. After we got her home, I landed in the hospital myself with what seemed like the same infection. While I’m feeling much better now (whew), last month was challenging for our whole family, and threw off the holidays in a big way. Of course (to quote the Grinch), Christmas came…and it came just the same. The spirit of the season was clearer than ever this year. It was quite refreshing to only have time for family – so much so, that it made me question my social media agenda. This blog is and always will be a place for me to document my passions…but social media has felt like a chore at times lately. I’ve been feeling uninspired, restless, and unsure of my next steps…until a friend shared this video (on Facebook). Oh, the irony…and a strong reminder of why I create, share, and do what I do. What will be your space jam?

BON WEEKEND et BONNE ANNÉE

living in the moment

a poem for the new year

the only way to keep your resolutions

the end of the social era can’t come soon enough

worth a second mention: a pep talk about a pep talk

on gratitude

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The holiday season brings with it a range of emotions – but this year, more than ever, I feel overwhelmed with gratitude. There is nothing in the world more important than our family: the two little humans holding my hands, and my husband (having a rare turn behind the camera). While we have so much to be thankful for, there has been a dark cloud over us for quite a few years – some of which I’ve shared here, and some that I’ve kept private. At times it has felt hopeless, like everything was an uphill battle. You might be surprised by this since most (not all) of what I share publicly are our happiest, and most memorable, moments. For those of us who share pretty content on the internet, we often walk a fine line between sharing too much and not sharing enough. Please know that while part of me would like to share it all, some things need to be kept safely guarded. Maybe someday I’ll be able to elaborate, but for now it’s still too fresh.

For the first time in years, I feel like we can (cliché alert) finally see the light at the end of the tunnel. We’ve learned the hard way that the only way out is through, so to speak. We were dealt a serious dose of humility, and have a different (and healthier) perspective on life. If you’re currently fighting a battle of your own (aren’t we all), please know this: it will get better. The memory of it will stay with you of course, but the darkness should not. I have a bold proposition for you this Thanksgiving…try to be thankful for the battle. That may sound easy for me to say, now that we’re on the other side, but it’s still challenging for us as well. However, with every struggle, there is a hard-earned lesson, and sometimes a beautiful gift, even though it can take some time for it to be realized. When you look for the silver lining, look for the meaning…you might be surprised what you discover. Wishing you a holiday season filled with hope, love, and gratitude.

bon weekend

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“Justice will not be served until those who are unaffected are as outraged as those who are.”

Benjamin Franklin

The day after I shared this image on Instagram of an everyday mantra in our home, the disgusting white supremacist rally and subsequent attack in Charlottesville happened. It rendered me speechless to be honest, and left me feeling a bit hopeless. Then I saw this tweet from Mark Ruffalo on Twitter and realized…I’m not doing enough. I’m not doing enough to resist this presidency. I’m not doing enough to resist hate, and assist love. A few days later many bloggers were able to articulate their thoughts so eloquently, which I’ve linked to below, as well as some direct action links. I’m checking my privilege, educating my children, and channeling my rage into action (and not just sheetcaking). Silence is approval.

BON WEEKEND

this tee supports the splc

thoughts on white supremacy

bedtime stories about race + social justice

balancing silence + action and creating safe spaces

lake reflections

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I had a lot of time to reflect during our vacation, and had an epiphany (or two, or three). It’s amazing how much clarity can come from a digital detox – I highly recommend it. While I had amazing quality time with my husband and children, I also felt compelled to process some deeply emotional issues that I’ve been internalizing for years. Oddly enough, as much peace as I find at the lake, I also find pain….allow me to explain. I spent time every summer from birth until I was thirteen at Lake Winnipesaukee in New Hampshire, with my extended family. As I was an only child, my Mom (very smartly) planned many family vacations and gatherings so that I would be close with my two cousins. We were very much like siblings – we fought like it, loved like it. I took my first steps holding their hands on the beach there. It was a sacred place for our entire (small) family, and where many of my most beautiful memories were made. I miss Lake Winnipesaukee, and I deeply miss that time of family unity. Much has changed since then, and it causes me a lot of pain at times.

I haven’t been there in eleven years (I’m including a brief visit in 2006). And yet, my memories of it are as vivid as ever. I can still hear the sound of the water gently lapping onto the shore, the wailing of loons (one of the most hauntingly beautiful sounds in the world, in my opinion), and even the wobbly ceiling fan that I was sure would decapitate me every night as I slept. I can still feel the silky wet sugar sand between my toes, smell the horses that were down the road on the walk to get ice cream, and see the storms that would move so quickly across the lake. Every detail about it is cemented into my mind, because it was always a place of peace for me during a time in my life that was ever-changing, challenging, and at times, destructive. I’ll refrain from digging deeper on that subject in this post, but let’s just say my childhood was like a roller coaster – with high highs, and low lows. The lake became an escape for me…a respite from the chaos.

We moved quite a bit for my father’s career (military and beyond), and there were only two places in the world that felt like home to me –  my grandparents home, and the lake. One was taken from me physically (when my grandfather passed and his house was sold), and the other metaphorically (I haven’t been invited, and have even been denied a stay, when I asked begged to visit after Henry and Marie were born). I wanted (and want) so badly to introduce my children to a place I hold so dear. It’s not mine, but it has ownership of my heart, as if it was. I’ve struggled with that greatly – to understand it’s hold on me, and also what “home” means to me. How can latitudes and longitudes carry so much weight? Without getting into complicated family details, I’ve become estranged with my extended family, partly due to the denied access. In fact, it’s quite possibly become tainted for me because of the turmoil…it’s hard to say for sure without visiting.

I discovered Lake Naomi (in the Poconos) thanks to my friend Chanee in 2013, and immediately felt an odd sense of familiarity there. While very different from Lake Winni, there are enough similarities to make me feel comfortable, and (mostly) at ease. This was our fourth year vacationing there (more on that soon), and we’ve made many treasured memories…I’m so grateful for it. It almost fills the void in my heart, and yet sadly, falls short. I feel like it will always be competing with my first love, and it will never quite live up to it. I’m hopeful that someday, the family will come back together. Someday, I might be able to share that important part of my past, with my husband and children. Until then, I will continue to reflect on the possibility of reconciliation—with my past, my family, and most importantly, with myself.

learning about lyme

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If you follow me on Instagram, you know I’ve been dealing with some serious health issues, and what seems to be Lyme Disease. I say “seems to be” because I’ve entered into a very grey area of medicine, and no one really wants to confirm the diagnosis…yet. Even though I still have many questions to be answered, I want to share my story thus far, considering May is Lyme Disease Awareness month. Almost thirty days ago, I was struck with flu-like symptoms – extreme fatigue, chills, joint pain, headache, sore throat. I figured it was a viral infection or fibromyalgia flare, knowing the stress of our move probably weakened my immune system. The next day I developed extreme nausea and loss of appetite but still figured it was a weird virus that had to work itself out. Those symptoms continued off + on for a few days, until very suddenly, I developed extreme knee pain, to the point where I could barely walk (fyi I’ve never had knee or arthritic issues). It scared me so much that I went to urgent care, where I was informed my symptoms aligned with Lyme Disease.

I was told to watch for a bullseye, contact my primary care doctor, and be tested for it in 4-6 weeks (it usually takes that long for it to show up in your blood stream). Having minimal knowledge of Lyme Disease, I became immediately immersed online and began to educate myself. I saw my primary, and they agreed to test me based on my symptomology, even thought it was early, and I had no bite or bullseye that I knew of. While I waited for the results, my symptoms continued to get weirder and seemingly more specific to Lyme (to include scary neurologicial stuff). The test results came back – I was negative for Lyme according to the CDC. Here’s the kicker: the CDC does not consider someone positive unless all FIVE bands of testing are positive. I currently have two positive bands showing up, using the most standard test, the Western Blot. I now know, after reading How Can I Get Better, that this test was never intended for individual diagnosis. Meaning, it’s not sensitive enough – it does not pick up all strands of Lyme and related bacteria. In fact, over 80% of cases are missed by the negligent strict CDC standards, especially those with chronic Lyme.

Without delving into more technical facts and figures, the bottom line is this: I know my body, and I know I’m ill. I’m suffering from a highly polarizing and political condition, and I have a long road ahead of me. I’m so thankful for this community and the outpouring of love and support I’ve received via social media. In fact, because of that, I’ve been in touch with quite a few people with similar stories, and they’ve given me hope. They’ve helped me understand that I’ll have good days and bad. The good ones will make me question whether I’m truly sick at all, and the bad ones will scare the shit out of me (like yesterday, when I couldn’t stand up without intense vertigo, had double vision and numbness in my limbs, and could barely care for my kids). I’m waiting to be seen by a specialist, and have contacted a few alternative medicine doctors as well. I’m hoping to have more answers soon, or at least have a plan of attack. I’m continuing to arm myself with education about Lyme, and won’t stop until I get the help I need. Now more than ever, you have to be your own advocate. No one is going to care about your health and wellness as much as you do. Thanks for reading, and if you’d had Lyme, know someone that does, or suffer from a chronic illness, I hope you’ll share your story here.