Category Archives: personal essays

through the lens

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“Learn to deal with the valleys and the hills will take care of themselves.”

Count Basie

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This is not a post about failure. This is a post about adversity, strength, and love. It may take me a moment to get there, so please bear with me. Lately, I’ve been feeling as if the universe has a vendetta against me…and by lately, I mean the past three years. I won’t bore you with the laundry list of unfortunate events…there are more than I care to recall. Besides my recent (and ongoing) health scare, there’s been a domino effect of troubles that all seem to stem from one big (past) mistake. Perhaps you remember my paper + plans post – at the time we had lofty dreams and exciting opportunities. Sadly, none of those scenarios have played out. Since then, it’s been one thing after another coming our way. Quite honestly, I’m exhausted. Tired of being stressed, tired of living in limbo (both literally + figuratively), tired of fighting to see silver linings. In speaking with my dad the other day, I made the analogy of a boxing match. I/we keep getting knocked down…we get back up, only to get hit again, and harder. A few weeks ago, the referee got to nine (so to speak).

Please know that I’m not saying that for dramatic effect – it was a traumatic event that could have been the end of our life as we know it. I can’t share details and I apologize for being vague, but I can say that the residue of that particular incident will remain for some time. I’ve dealt with a lot of adversity in my life, and I’m thankful for that because I’ve learned my strength. Everyone gets knocked down at some point–life is a series of peaks and valleys. It’s when you’re down that you find out what you’re truly made of. Who are you when things are at their worst? My husband sweetly reminded me that “pressure makes diamonds”, and I had an epiphany–we’re already diamonds, and we shine brightest in the dark. I/we got up…we’re standing, TOGETHER, and that’s what matters. We’re digging deep, with the intention of getting to (and repairing) the core of the issue, so that when we get to the hill (and we will), we’re ready for it. Some diamonds only surface after a volcanic eruption…and I’m a fucking diamond. So are you. The only way out is through…keep pushing.

(insert strong, “don’t mess with me” inspirational end music here)

pressing pause

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“An observant child should be put in the way of things worth observing.”

Charlotte Mason

 

We’ve made a big change in our life  – one that we’ve been debating for many years. If you’ve been following our journey for a while, you might remember this post which sparked quite the conversation in the comments. Two years later and here we are – officially (as in: compulsory age, district-approved) homeschoolers! It was a long road to get here, and not a straight one, but nevertheless, we have arrived. I’m aware that this is a very personal, often controversial topic, but I’m sharing our story in the event it might help someone else in their decision, to connect with other homeschooling families, and to hold ourselves accountable. I don’t think there is any one right way to educate a child. All of the options present their own challenges, and value. It’s not for everyone, and every family strives to make the best choice for their children given their circumstances. We feel quite fortunate to have the option of homeschooling, as my business allows for great flexibility. So far (one month in) it feels a little challenging, a lot right, and even, dare I say – luxurious (at times).

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birthday perspective

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The surgeon called me on Friday. I had just dropped the kids off at school and figured he was calling to check on how my wound was healing (for those of you who follow me on Instagram, I shared a little bit about my recent excision in Stories). He asked if I was driving, and then he asked when I would be home—and then I knew. Although the next thirty minutes were a bit of a blur, my shaking hands managed to scribble the following random yet oh so heavy words on the back of my daughters girl scout sign-up form: pathology. sarcoma. rare. CANCER. I called my husband and he rushed home.

I was unsure if I should share this kind of news here, but then I realized…if this isn’t what community is for, what is? Tomorrow is my 39th birthday, and despite what you might be thinking, it will be a happy one. I feel good, despite this scary diagnosis. I don’t have any signs or symptoms, beyond the scar on my chest. I know how lucky I am, as this cancer is treatable (in most cases) and has a very high survival rate. To quote one of my kids’ favorite movies…”yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, but today is a gift – that’s why it’s called the present.” – Master Oogway

Thank you in advance for your support –  I promise to share more as it unfolds, as much is still unknown. For now, I’m going to love my family a little harder, live life a little fuller, and eat an obscene amount of birthday cake. Ok that’s not the truth, it just sounded great – I’ve actually been eating keto for almost a year now and have never felt better. Oh, the irony.

P.S. you’ll find more information on my type of cancer here + a health update here

why we marched

 

Today we participated as a family in the March for Our Lives. While we were unable to join the masses in D.C. (as I did for the Women’s March), we are proud to help amplify their voices by supporting the movement on a local level. It was our children’s first protest, and I can’t think of a more worthy cause. They recently had their first lockdown drill – huddled in silence with their 5 and 6-year-old peers, lights off, in a windowless room. While they don’t know all of the gruesome details (as it wouldn’t be age appropriate), they know enough to understand that gun reform is desperately needed. They eagerly agreed to protest with us (we gave them the option), chose the messages for their signs, and helped to make them. I was so proud to watch them hold those signs high for as long as their little arms could manage, and chant along with the crowd. It felt amazing to show them democracy in action, and the power of people. It made me feel proud to be American, which I haven’t been feeling much of lately. This is our country. This is their future. Enough is enough…let’s get it right.

add your name to make your mark.

i believe in you

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“Creativity takes courage.”

Henri Matisse

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This is an unconventional Valentine’s Day post, but it’s a love letter nonetheless…dedicated to my fellow creatives. I’ve been feeling a bit paralyzed lately after embarking on a project that scares me a bit, and another one that I’m gearing up to announce. Sentiments of self-doubt and unworthiness have reared their ugly heads in the face of these new challenges, and I’m sharing my struggle knowing most of you will relate. I recently discovered this interview between Lin-Manuel Miranda and Stephen Sondheim, and took a few key notes from it. Sondheim says, “You have to work on something that makes you feel uncertain. Something that makes you doubt yourself. If you know where you’re going, you’ve gone, as the poet says. And that’s death.” To succeed, we must open ourselves up to new opportunities and accept the vulnerability that accompanies them. Believing in yourself and your talents is at the core of every new endeavor, don’t you think? I’d love to learn about your creative struggles and triumphs, if you’re willing to share in the comments. I’ll close with one more quote from another great artist, David Bowie: “Go a little out of your depth, and when you don’t feel that your feet are quite touching the bottom, you’re just about in the right place to do something exciting.” Love and courage mes amis.

p.s. – this awesome graffiti art is the work of Philly-based Amberella