I'm Susan — devout Francophile, mother of twins, writer, creative director, and aspiring author. I've been sharing my life here since 2010...thanks for reading!
This year exceeded my expectations in many ways, along with some curveballs along the way. While I haven’t had ample time to reflect on the past year, I spent the holidays going through images and revisiting favorite moments. Out of the many thousands of images I captured in 2019, this one is certainly a standout (we used it for our holiday card), and represents a source of pride. Giving our children the gift of travel and cultural experiences is priceless, and when I look back over any of our years, it’s those memories that stand out the most. Returning to France as a family was such a highlight (recap coming soon, yikes)! I don’t want to forget our other family travels, which were equally precious: we visited family in Charlotte, explored England for the first time, celebrated Henry + Marie’s 7th birthday in NYC (and found ourselves in the city a few more times), and had an incredible summer vacation in New Hampshire.
I had considered writing a decade in review, but whoa…that is too daunting of a task and overwhelming for me. My head is still spinning from the past ten years: I moved four times, started a blog, battled mysterious health issues, bought a house, became a mother of two at once, grew my business, lost a furry baby,sold a home, struggled financially, dealt with anxiety, depression, and marital issues, got political, brought a big idea to life, got diagnosed with cancer, homeschooled my children, cared for aging parents, celebrated ten years of marriage, turned 40, and welcomed a new furry baby. These years have been some of the most unforgettable, challenging, and exquisite of my life…it may take a lifetime to adequately reflect upon them. I wish you all a happy new decade and new year…here’s to a mindful and joyous 2020!
“I have already lost touch with a couple of people I used to be.”
Joan Didion
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Today is my fortieth birthday and surprisingly, I have not been dreading this day. On the contrary – I’ve been eagerly awaiting it. The quote I shared really resonates with me, as I’ve lived a lot of life in my forty years and have naturally evolved. I’m most certainly not the same woman I used to be, but at the same time, I’m enjoying going back to my roots in many respects. Having been a wife for over ten years now, and a mother for seven, my identity and needs have been somewhat in the background for a bit. I believe my forties will be a decade of bringing those back into focus, finding more balance, and making more time for myself. So many of the women I know and admire are in this decade of life and I hear it’s one of the best. Of course, this age does not arrive without the clichés…despite my excitement, I found myself having what some might call a crisis over the past few months (to include shopping for the motorcycle I’ve always wanted, lol). Reaching a (hopefully) mid-life point does seem like a natural time to assess where you are in life. Am I exactly where I want to be, on both a personal and professional level? The honest answer is no (although it’s close), but to expect things to be perfectly aligned right at this moment in time is of course, unrealistic. I’m really happy though…damn. I am happy.
We’re back home after our whirlwind adventures in England + France! I’m currently sorting through 1500+ photos and videos on both my Nikon and iPhone (gulp) and can’t wait to share more from our trip. While there were so many special moments, this one was especially poignant. I shared it on Instagram but I’m sharing it again here because I believe the message bears repeating. The kids and I spent most of our time exploring London solo, as we tagged along with my husband on a work trip. He would meet up with us after work or for lunch – whenever possible, of course…but navigating a new to me city with two young children was challenging to say the least. They’re not city kids – we live in a small town outside of Philadelphia. While we go into the city often and they’ve traveled quite a bit, they are still not accustomed to the pace and hustle of a big city. By the end of each day we were so thankful to retreat to our friends’ calm oasis in Shepherd’s Bush (more on that soon). There were quite a few times when the city wore me down and I felt like giving up.
Not long before I took this photo, Marie fell down the stairs of a double decker bus. It wasn’t our first ride, and it wasn’t her fault – the driver was not paying attention (it was during rush hour) and we were getting off at an uncommon stop for that time of day. We were all holding on, but we had barely been stopped for a minute or two when he started to move and the bus lurched forward, tossing Marie down the stairs behind me. She was screaming and seemed to be injured badly – my mama bear instincts kicked in big time, and I screamed at the driver. I’m thankful to the kind strangers who came to our aid, and after making sure she was ok, we all had a good cry on the street after exiting the bus. It was a traumatic event, and we almost gave up on the rest of our plans for the day…we decided to press on after calming down. We were exhausted by the time we reached Tower Bridge, and didn’t have the energy to wait in line for the perfect photo opp. We stepped aside to regroup and there it was…perfectly reflected and framed in the background. The kids were all smiles, despite the stressful day we’d had. That’s when I realized…the sights are exactly that–background to this beautiful life. What I really needed to focus on was right in front of me all day long. Sometimes all it takes is a fresh perspective.
A few days ago I shared our exciting news on Instagram – we will be traveling as a family to the UK + France this summer! And by summer I mean (gulp)…in two weeks time (it happened very fast – we’re tagging along on my husband’s work trip). We are beyond thrilled to have this opportunity, and feel so very lucky. However, with only have a few weeks to plan, everything is rushed and I’ve been thrown into a state of panic. Not only because I’m a Type A personality and would prefer to have months of time to map out every detail of our trip, but I also suffer from GAD (also known as generalized anxiety disorder). In addition to my daily struggles with it, I’ve experienced crippling travel anxiety throughout the years. It seems a fitting time to discuss this in more detail, as May happens to be Mental Health Awareness Month.
I was twelve when I was diagnosed with the disorder, after having frequent panic attacks at night, making myself physically sick from worry, and missing many days of school because of my issues. It was a tumultuous time for our family, and in retrospect, it makes complete sense that my anxiety surfaced then. Our family was no stranger to mental health issues: I witnessed both of my parents suffering from anxiety and depression from a young age. Thankfully though, we always discussed it openly. However, when my symptoms began, a diagnosis was slow to emerge since I was “just a kid”. I was directed to listen to tapes of Enya on a walkman at bedtime (her Watermark album is gold), and practice deep-breathing techniques and meditation. While it definitely didn’t eradicate my anxiety, I learned to cope and work through stressful situations. As I got older, it became harder to handle and I was prescribed anti-anxiety medication.
It was around that same age when I flew for the first time. The experience was filled with wonder and awe – I loved the speed and rush of adrenaline during takeoff, the heavenly view from above the clouds, and watching the ground come at you during landing. They invited me into the cockpit and I was given a special pin to commemorate the occasion (ah, the good ol’ days). I do, however, remember being overwhelmed with questions and concerns: How can this giant hunk of metal fly? Why can’t I see what the pilot is doing? What happens if we have to fly through a storm? Will I die if we crash? Is the air flowing? I feel like I can’t breathe. This seatbelt is not tight enough. Will my luggage get lost? What was that noise?! Even then, at age twelve (ish), my anxiety consumed me and cancelled out any positive feelings I had about flying.
Fast forward twenty-eight years, and I still break into a cold sweat walking down the jet bridge. I wish my anxiety was just about flying – in reality, it involves every aspect of travel (to include dealing with crowds, breaking routines and staying in unfamiliar places, to name a few). I’ve tried everything – from meditation to medication. I’ve changed my diet, exercise regularly, and am more focused on natural remedies now (thank you CBD). I’m grateful for the open discussion on social media, and relate strongly to what @jengotch has shared about her travel anxieties (among many other inspirational folks). I’m proud to say that I’ve never let my anxiety stop me from going places. As hard as it can be, it’s worth it to see the world, and introduce my children to it. I’m constantly pushing through my fear and working hard to improve. Do you suffer from anxiety, and if so, how does it affect you when you travel? I would love to hear about what has (or hasn’t) worked for you. Thank you in advance for sharing – it’s important for us all to keep the mental health conversation going.
My husband and I said “I do” at this estate ten years ago. We took the kids there in 2015 and were excited to visit again during our last visit. We had intended to say our vows again, privately, in the same spot that we did over a decade ago. Before our visit, we were warned by a family member that the Van Landingham Estate had fallen into disrepair. It had been sold and apparently could even be torn down. I refused to believe it – such a historic gem in Charlotte surely wouldn’t be neglected. However, when we arrived we were met with a serious dose of reality. The once meticulously maintained gardens were overgrown and dying, the house vandalized, with trash strewn about and broken glass…I burst into tears at the sight. It hit us on a deep level – could there be a more obvious metaphor for marriage, and the necessity for care and attention? We stood in awe and in gratitude, thankful that our beautiful garden had been tended to.
