We’ve all heard the phrase, “one and done”… and in our case, it’s true (in an alternate sense-one pregnancy, two babies). The minor surgery my husband underwent last week was a vasectomy. Yep…full disclosure here! No more mini-me’s for us-we are so very fortunate to have twins. There are quite a few reasons why we chose to officially end our baby making days, and we’re sharing them here today in the hope that it might help others with their choice. It is an incredibly personal decision of course, and not one that is easily reached. I want to be very clear that I do not pass judgement on anyone who chooses to have less, more, or no children. My best friend has four beautiful little ones, and I have a few close girlfriends who do not want to become mothers. To each his own, but our journey begins (and ends) with Marie + Henry.
Childhood experience certainly plays a role for most when deciding what size family you would like. In our case, I was an only child (and loved it), and would have been more than happy with one. For my husband, growing up with a sibling was a wonderful experience, and he always had two in mind. When we learned we were expecting twins, we knew regardless of gender this would most likely be it for us. It’s funny-we had never heard the phrase “a rich man’s family” until sharing we were having a boy and a girl. It seems many consider it to be the perfect scenario, and in turn, automatically assume we’re done. On the other hand, we’ve had quite a few people (including our pediatrician) encourage us to have more simply because we “make beautiful babies”. I find this to be flattering and offensive at the same time! I’ve realized that people view our personal situation through their own lens and don’t realize that what they’re saying can be perceived as rude and intrusive. The thought of another in addition to twins gives me a panic attack just thinking about it!
My pregnancy was very difficult and even traumatic, at times. Obviously difficult pregnancies can happen to anyone, and the definition of “difficult” is relative. For me, difficult meant infections, catheterization for weeks, extreme swelling and pain, high blood pressure, preeclampsia, and a very rough recovery due to blood loss. I learned early on that having a high-risk pregnancy was no joke, and it pushes your body to it’s limits. You see twice the amount of doctors and get poked, prodded, and scanned more than most. On a positive note–we were so lucky to have numerous ultrasounds and see them grow along the way. I still find it hard to believe that my friends with singles only saw their babies a few times before giving birth! I’m still in awe of what my body achieved, and don’t even know how it would fare a second time around.
I haven’t yet mentioned the economics of having multiples. Let’s talk statistics for a second. The average cost of ONE child in the U.S. for a middle-income family, from birth to age 18, is currently $241,080. That doesn’t even include the cost of college! Take that number and double it in our case…yowza. There are many other financial factors, such as breastfeeding for two vs. formula (which is a whole other post), double the baby gear (although not two of everything), the cost of help (crucial in the early days with multiples), and accomodations for an instantly larger family (suddenly our house seemed a LOT smaller). It is staggering, and scary at times, especially when twins were not even on our radar. At times we laugh and are thankful for only having one girl, and one wedding, to pay for…and maybe we’ll get lucky and she’ll elope.
All of the above contributed to our decision, and we took our time making it (over a year). We continually confirmed with each other that we were 100% sure before moving forward. At this point, post-op, we’re both confident and focused, enjoying every moment with the kids. I may call them babies until they are two years old as a result…but that’s cool, right?! They will of course, always be my babies. If you care to share your story, how did you know when you were “done”, are you unsure, or are you planning to add to your family? What were or are the deciding factors for your family?
Thank you for sharing Susan, I applaud your candidness! I knew after my third child, just instinctively, that we were done. I had fairly easy pregnancies with all three and still knew that was all I could handle.
thanks so much Shannon…instinct has a lot to do with it in my opinion too.
I haven’t started with babies yet- counting down 9 weeks to our wedding eek! While we think we would like a few- maybe four? We will (all things aligning) start with one and see how we go…
One note of caution- my friend’s younger brother is a vasectomy baby. The ultimate surprise. I’ve heard this is more common than people think so take care! ;)
congrats on the wedding countdown…and yes, we are being *very* careful…most people make the mistake of only testing once after the surgery.
Well, we had our boy twins and went back and forth on a couple of years on whether or not we would have more. We decided to try for 1 more (and anyway…what would be the odds of twins again?!). Well, we had twins again. So 2 boys, 2 girls…I wouldn’t have it any other way, but we are DONE.
exactly my concern Jenn, although we never wanted more than two anyway…but you are my hero, wow…two sets of twins!! can’t blame you for being done now ;)
You do make beautiful babies, my dear! I had no idea your pregnancy was so difficult – very scary. That’s my big fear as we try for our first child {in our 40s}. If a baby happens we’ll be overjoyed – and like you, our attitude is ‘one’ and done.
why thank you Chanee…and yes, my pregnancy was rough. you don’t hear about all the great experiences as much, so keep that in mind ;)
We are a one and done family. :) I love my little girl more than my own life. But I also know my limits. There are a lot of factors that have gone into our decision. It’s complex. But I know it’s the right one for us.
exactly…knowing your limits is major, and yes a very complex decision for all. thanks for sharing your thoughts Erinn!
We were pretty sure that #3 would be our last and so during that pregnancy I tried to enjoy every little bit of it. After the delivery, our doctors told us in no uncertain terms that we were done having babies – my body simply couldn’t carry another one. It was a strange feeling, but mostly a relief! I never had to second-guess our decision to stick with three.
Thanks for commenting Steph, and I’m sorry to hear that but know how wonderful your three amazing children are! xo
Great post Susan. My husband and I have actually decided not to have children. There are a number of reasons why, which I don’t want to disclose here but I applaud your openness and acceptance of those who do or do not decided to have children. Far to often I find the need to keep this extremely important decision to myself when the topic comes up in conversations, as I have been confronted by others who have not been as receptive as you. To each his own :)
PS. I do actually love children (contrary to what people may think) and enjoy reading your baby posts. I can’t believe how much they have grown in such a short amount of time!
Thank you Cailin…I remember at some point you conveyed that to me, and I have quite a few girlfriends who do not. It seems there is a lot of judgement from women on that subject, and it shouldn’t be that way. I appreciate you taking the time to comment as always…and know you love children. ;)
I am so sorry to hear how volatile your pregnancy was, you actually made it seem like a breeze! Your babies are perfection and I would stop as well at twins, carrying one has been so tough, I can not imagine two!
Thank you for your honesty, it is always refreshing and I love the collage you put together!
Oh Tristan, I appreciate that, especially with what you’ve been going through. I’ve missed you…visit again soon…and thank you!! xo
this was so interesting to read, thanks for sharing it. we have our little 1 year old now and now seems to the time to think about another – I’m torn in so many directions but a lot of it IS financial, and the fact that in switzerland I’d probably have to stay home full time (since child care is THAT expensive even with 2 good jobs) and i really don’t want to do that. We are all about planning for our future, so we are wondering if that means only 1 baby. Alternatively…i saw a single child playing by himself with a tree the other day and thought that i’d rather that not be wesley, haha!!
Hi Krystal! I’m so glad you found me, and I see you are in Switzerland?! I’ll have to email you as my husband works for a Swiss company and we may find ourselves there at some point…(fingers crossed). Ha a kid playing with a tree…made me chuckle. Only children are generally very creative though for that reason, and hardly ever bored. I speak from experience ;)
I have just come across your beautiful blog Susan and it’s so refreshing to hear you speak so honestly about this topic. I have yet to have children but being almost married three years many people have been curious as to why my husband and I have chosen not to have children yet (this is a bit unusual in Ireland!) while children are something we’d love it’s great to be reminded what a personal choice having a family is and that there’s no one size fits all route. Wishing you and your lovely family all the best!
Welcome Ciara, and yes, it seems inevitable that people start asking about children after marriage…it is so very personal. Thank you for the kind words and for stopping by!
After 2 breautiful girls I had 2 miscarriages & it was very difficult to think that I wouldn’t have another child.
After a treatment that didn’t work, I thought it was time to forget the idea. But then (& even if I was more than 40 years old) I got pregnant & my little boy came.
Now my daughters are 18 & 16 & I’m so happy to have my “little” boy (10). He’ll always be my baby.
Oh wow…I’m so sorry you had such pain, but what an incredible family you have. Always our babies…always. xo
You are indeed blessed to have 2 such beautiful and healthy babies! (And I would make the same decision as you did, also hoping to have one.) That being said, It’s sad to me that the cost of having babies in the US is often a deterrant to having more than one, as well as how much later women are having babies. (France is so much more baby friendly!) Sorry you had such a tough pregnancy but in the end it was all worth it! Enjoy every precious moment with your babies!
Merci Kasia! I’d be interested to hear how France is more baby friendly…I know some of the reasons, but now I’m more curious. ;)
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